The end is drawing near.

I have been working for Evelyn and Roberta for ten years now.The whole time I have known that there would be an end to this job. It wouldn't be me quitting because how could I ever do that. It would be when their bodies quit and they passed away. This whole time I have known I could come in and find one of them eternally sleeping. Glen and I have had lots of talks about it. There have been definite times when the downward slide of their health has gone faster than others. Gratefully, it has been slow and steady sometimes not even noticeable.

I feel like that time has passed and our time with them is drawing closer and closer to an end. That sometime farther away than I know yet sooner than I think, they will be gone from this place where I can see them. I feel like I am mourning for them already. Is that even possible? ... I miss the ladies they were.

Glen and I teach sunday school and a month or two ago there was a lesson on journal keeping. I naturally went to Evelyn as a resource. She has roughly 17 journals that cover the last thirty years or so. I borrowed a few  as example to the students in our class.  As I read through some of the entries it reminded me of the all they use to do and be involved in.  They belonged to the Herriman Literary club. They went to plays and some movies. They mowed the lawn and edged the grass by trimming it with regular hand scissors. Roberta played the piano and Evelyn sang. Roberta kept her beautiful rose garden. They had a vegetable garden.Evelyn kept really fat sheep. They both went to DUP and held offices. They were visiting teachers. Evelyn drove. They took care of the water turns.

So many of these things have passed. They are happy to sit and watch, to move slow and rest.


This is all stemming from today. Evelyn and I were suppose to go to DUP together. A side from me not having the morning go as I planned, it was worse for Evelyn. She has some kind of heart condition, has most of her life. When it first showed itself and was presented to a doctor, the doctor told her mom to not make too much of it because they could make an invalid out of her. She has these 'spells' where her heart races and then slows way down and then eventually comes back to normal. She use to do something to bring them on and they were very rare, and now they just come. They have become very regular. Sometime multiple times a day, definitely several times a week and lasting longer and longer.  She had one today. In fact I would guess it was a heart attack,(chest pain, back pain, rapid heart beat, pain going down one arm) maybe they are all small heart attacks? Any way it was bad enough that it woke her up from sleeping and lasted around three hours.These 'spells' leave her weak and limp; in no condition to go to DUP. It  took the day for her to try and recover.

I know if this had been someone else I would have called 911 or taken them to the ER. It wasn't though. It was Evelyn, who is coming up on  91. She doesn't want any medical intervention to prolong her life. She hopes she goes quick. She doesn't want to know the name of her problem or if there is or was something that could be done for it. (Though if cardiologist I know was practicing in Utah and not Kansas I am certain I would have made her be seen by him.) She just wants to enjoy the days she has in the home she was born in and be able to do the things she can still do.

So I sit and watch. Watch her chest rise and fall, because thankfully it is still doing that. Watch her dose off to sleep. Watch her sit back and be quite because she can't do anything else while her heart is racing. Watch Roberta ask her if she is alright. Just watch and wait.

In this fast paced world we live in where we have so much at our finger tips and are pushed to find the answer, get things fixed, take a pill, DO something, it is hard to not do anything. Just be grateful for the time you have with your loved one. Just let the peace and calmness come and rest on you as you slowly watch the transition from one phase of the journey to another.

It is hard but I am thankful for it.